Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
