Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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