I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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