i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my being single is dangerous.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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