The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she told me i tasted like america
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
