Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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