NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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