I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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