Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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