i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
