dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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