Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
