her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
