i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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