remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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