so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
