You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
