He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
