they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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