Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
