i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
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