K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
