a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
