Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
