Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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