if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
