at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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