i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Someone came in the potted fern
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
