She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
