At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
