I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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