can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
