Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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