Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
