So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
