My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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