did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
