I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
