Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
