I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she looked like the before picture.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
