yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
