Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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