i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
