so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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