3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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