I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
