i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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