If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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