If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
