hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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