My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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