just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
