My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my being single is dangerous.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
