i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
