i wish my penis had a tongue
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They have beer where we have blood.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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