fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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