I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
