I could make wine with my vomit
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
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You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
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So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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