I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
