his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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