my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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