literally had 100 drinks last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
